


Would You Love Me More (If I Killed Someone For You)

by honeycottage



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Child Abuse, Gen, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Orion Black's A+ Parenting, Sirius Black is a Good Sibling, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Torture, Underage Drinking, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23287852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeycottage/pseuds/honeycottage
Summary: Walburga Black was never the most loving parent, Sirius knew this. It was why he stuck around for so long. He wanted to protect Regulus. And maybe he thought perhaps if he stuck around, his mother would love him one day. But if he thought that, it was his business only. Realizing, however, that pranking people and acting out to keep his mother's ire on himself and not on his younger brother meant that his mother was close to disowning him, Sirius changed tactics and played The Perfect Black Heir.It worked, for a time.Until his mother made him take The Dark Mark
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Regulus Black & James Potter, Regulus Black & Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black & Remus Lupin, Regulus Black & Severus Snape, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 40
Kudos: 114





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo, I asked on my other work, Third Time's The Charm, if anyone would be interested in reading this AU and I got an overwhelming positive response, so here it is! My Sirius Black Is A Death Eater AU!

Being the Heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black should come with perks. And in many ways, Sirius supposed, it did. He didn't lack money or power. His classmates feared him a bit because of his name. He never had to worry about having a roof over his head, he wore the finest clothes, and ate the finest of foods. People watched him, no matter where he went. The Black family, after all, were full of special people and stood out of the crowd. However, there were drawbacks. The families descended from King Arthur's court tended to be more powerful than the average wizarding family- the Longbottoms, the Potters, the Malfoys, and the Blacks among them. Unlike the others, however, the Black family hadn't been able to handle the extra magic capabilities with grace like the others, and so the Black Family Madness took many each generation. There were heavy expectations in place- how to look, act, talk, think, behave. It was draining. 

Perhaps the biggest con to being the Heir of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black was that Sirius' mother was an absolute _nightmare_ and there was little doubt that Walburga Black had long been consumed with the Black Family Madness. And then there was Dear Old Dad, who was a traditional wizarding father. Which is to say, Orion Black was largely absent from his childrens' lives and had many secret affairs and mostly lived in his Firewhiskey bottles. And not to mention, his extended family was _insufferable,_ buying into the pureblood mania. The only tolerable one was Andromeda but Merlin help him should he say that outloud.

Except. That wasn't _quite_ true, because there was one other person who Sirius adored.

Regulus Arcturus Black.

His brother, 2 years his junior, was perhaps the most important person in Sirius' life. This conclusion had been reached rather early on for Sirius. Ever since little Regulus, nearly 2 years old had said his first word, an excited " _Siri!_ " while toddling towards his older brother, Sirius had decided that no matter what, he would protect the younger.

Which was why 13 year old Sirius was currently murmuring softly to Regulus in the compartment on the Hogwarts Express.

"Father didn't even _come_ _with us_!" Regulus wailed in distress. "He just said 'Make sure you to make the family proud' and then watched as we left!" 

Sirius already knew this, of course, but Reggie had to let it out, or else he'd explode. "And then Mother was no better! She just said to keep out of trouble unlike 'your no good brother'!" 

"I know, Reg, I'm sorry."

"Why do you antagonize her so much? Maybe if you didn't cause so much mischief at school, she'd be nicer?" It was phrased as a question, and Sirius stifled a sigh; this was a conversation they had often.

"Do you remember Andromeda?" There was a fair chance Regulus didn't remember her well, as he had only been about 9 or so when she had been disowned, not to mention that Meda had been 8 years older than Reggie. The smaller boy nodded, clearly confused. "Do you remember the day Mother blasted her off the wall?" Another nod, this time more fearful. "Do you remember what she did? To me?" 

Sirius had made the mistake of defending Andromeda when news had broken that she had run away to marry Edward Tonks, a Muggleborn. He had been stupid, a naive 11 year old, to suggest that maybe Ted (as Meda had called him once) wasn't as bad as people made Muggleborns out to be; after all, Andromeda had impossible standards and if he managed to meet her Black Family Standards, then he must have been alright.

Sirius had thought he'd be under _Crucio_ for so long that there had been lasting nerve damage. It had been a foolish assumption looking back, Sirius thought. Mother would never cause permanent harm to her Heir.

Only maim and seriously injure him.

Regulus nodded again, more fearful this time.

"That's why I antagonize her, why I cause so many problems at school, Reg. I couldn't forgive myself if she did that to you. If I cause enough problems, she'll leave you alone."

Regulus lifted a teary gaze to his older brother. "Or she'll kick you out."

Shock, ice cold like a fissure ran through Sirius. "What?"

"At home when you were gone, everytime she got a letter, she'd start screaming… Things like 'shame of my flesh, dishonor of my name and blood' and Siri… I think she may kick you out one day. Blast you off the tree and everything."

Sirius frowned. That… wasn't good. Regulus didn't overstate things. If anything, he understated them, so for him to speculate Mother disowning him, she must have outright said so at least once, likely while inebriated. He couldn't abandon Regulus, couldn't get kicked out. What would be _point_ then, to all of this?

Sirius was so deep in thought that he hadn't noticed the rest of the Marauders joining the compartment.

"Fine, then I won't prank anymore, Reggie. I'll be the model Heir Black," he resolved.

" _What_?" came the 4 choked voices. Sirius jerked, raising his gaze from where it had been locked on the floor. James, Remus and Peter all sat across from Sirius and Regulus, and Regulus had detached himself from his brother's side to stare up incredulously.

Sirius decided to ignore his friends for now, and he looked down at his younger brother.

"I _will not_ leave you alone in that house with only Kreacher for company. I'd sooner die. So if Mother is on the verge of kicking me out for misbehaving, then fine. I'll be the best behaved Black Heir. I'll put Cousin Narcissa to shame," he said seriously. Regulus' eyes welled with tears.

"Siri, you hate it there. W-wouldn't you be _happier_ if she kicked you out?" Sirius shook his head violently.

"Reg, you're my baby brother. I'm not- I can't… I mean… I won't let her…" He floundered for a minute, trying and failing to articulate what he wanted to say.

For 9 years, ever since Regulus had been born, he was the single most important person in Sirius' life, and he loved his brother more than _anything_ so sucking it up and behaving? Worth it, if it meant he would be there for his brother.

"Mate, what's happening?" James said softly. "Are you in trouble?"

Sirius glanced at his friends, and he could see their anxiety coming off them in waves. "I- You all know what Mother is like-"

"An absolute senile bat who never should have had children, yes, we know."

" _James_!" Remus scolded. "You can't say things like that!"

"Please, don't make me laugh, Remmy, you've said worse!" 

"Yes, well, that's all very good," Sirius broke in before the two could start bickering, "Except my brilliant idea of causing problems so she'd leave Regulus alone hasn't worked quite the way I wanted. Evidently, she's grown quite… displeased with my behavior, which is nothing new, but… She's on the verge of blasting me off the tree like she's done to Andromeda and…" he trailed off.

"And you can't leave Regulus." Remus finished for him. Sirius nodded.

"Well then, mate," James said brightly, "We'll have to help you out then, huh? Being Heir Black would get so dreadfully boring and stuffy. We'll have to cause havoc for you."

"No, you don't understand. If I'm to do this, I can't be seen with you, if you pull pranks again, at least, for a while."

The three of them paled.

"Why not?" Peter demanded.

"As the Heir Black, it would be my duty to only have associations with people who bolster and uphold the reputation of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Pranksters would not help the family's reputation. As it is, befriending you, Remus, is a stretch."

Something dangerous flashed in his eyes. "'Cause I'm a Half-Blood?" His Welsh accent was rather prominent, so Sirius knew he was upset.

"Yes," he said, watching Remus flinch. "If it makes you feel better, Peter isn't much better."

"What? But I'm a Pureblood!" Peter protested. 

Sirius eyed him sympathetically. "Not to Mother. Eind Pettigrew, your grandmother, is a Half-Blood with a Muggle Parent."

"Who cares about my great-grandmother?" Peter demanded.

"Mother," both Regulus and Sirius said together, darkly.

"Frankly," Sirius continued, "Mother would argue that James isn't that great either, since his family is Light, but he's family _and_ a Potter, so she can't complain."

"You're _related_?" Remus demanded.

"Distantly," James said. "My dad's great uncle, Charlus Potter, married Dorea Black, who is a second cousin once removed to Sirius' mother. We're related closely enough that she can't say a word against my family. Same with the Prewetts."

Remus frowned. "So your… great-grand aunt is Sirius' mother's second cousin once removed? So you're…"

Sirius cut him off with an explanation, "Charlus and Dorea's son is Mother's third cousin. He's mine and Reggie's third cousin once removed. James would be his second cousin once removed, so James is our fourth cousin or something similar. Although it's worth noting that James and I are only related through marriage, since we don't share blood directly with Dorea."

Remus eyed him incredulously. "How do you _know_ that?" 

Sirius shrugged, "Just do. Since I'm the Heir, I need to know who is related to us and how, so that way I can 'make the best political decisions possible' without starting a blood feud." Remus shot a glance at Regulus, and Sirius answered before he had a chance to ask, "Regulus technically doesn't have a title; I'm the oldest son of the main branch of Black, so our father is Lord Black, and our mother is Lady Black. I'm Heir Apparent, which just means I stand to inherit the title of Lord when my parents die, and that no matter who else is born, I can't be displaced from my title. I guess this _technically_ makes Regulus heir presumptive, because if I died, he'd be the oldest son of the main branch of the family, and therefore would inherit the title of Lord, assuming no one with a stronger claim to the title was born, which is impossible." Regulus nodded along.

"All Sirius means to say is that I don't know the family relations like he does, since I wasn't given the same education that he was, since I don't immediately stand to inherit the title." Which wasn't to say Regulus wasn't given a good and proper education, of course. He still had been taught genealogy, politics, Magical Theory, History of Magic, French and Latin, along with the basics of the other subjects Hogwarts offered like Sirius had been, but that his lessons over genealogy and politics didn't go as in depth as Sirius' had gone.

Peter frowned, and then looked at James. "Did you grow up like this too?" James shrugged.

"I mean, I'm the only Heir to the Noble and Ancient House of Potter, so it wasn't ever an issue for me, but had Mum and Dad had another child or had Blood Adopted one, then yes."

"All families like ours do, Peter," Sirius said, as he stretched and leaned back. "But we're getting off topic."

"Right, well that's an easy decision. We'll stop pranking," James declared. Everyone's eyes bugged out of their skulls.

"What?" Sirius breathed, hardly daring to hope. He had assumed that when he told them he couldn't cause problems at school anymore, which included pranks, that his friends would… leave him.

James shrugged. "You're our friend, why would we drop you over this?" Peter and Remus nodded along.

"I have to admit though," Remus said with a small smile, "I thought James would need convincing to leave his pranking ways behind."

"It would be the height of dishonor for me to abandon my best friend over something so childish, don't be daft, Remmy."

"Daft yourself!" He shot back, and the two devolved in a friendly argument, but Sirius felt too floaty and happy to even care. 

Maybe everything would be okay.

  
  


~*~

Sirius carefully shut the door to the Gryffindor dorms, barely suppressing a scream. He drew his wand and cast as many privacy wards and silency charms as he could and then he screamed as loud as he could.

He wanted to go back in time and beat the ever loving _shit_ out of Younger Sirius. Pretend to be the Perfect Black Heir? Ha! It was _draining_ and _tiring_ and Sirius was so emotional that it was _hard_ for him to play the part, but everytime he looked at Regulus, he knew he had to. So he bit his tongue and played nice with Bellatrix and Rodulphus, with Narcissa and Lucius. He remembered every single decorum lesson he had ever gotten and put it to use. He did not fidget, he stood up tall, he was charming and polite and never showed his true plans.

It reminded him of the day he sat to be Sorted.

 _Ah, another Black,_ the old hat had whispered. _And it certainly shows. You aren't unintelligent by any means, and you're quite the cunning boy. Did many things your mother never suspected, didn't you?_ Sirius didn't answer. He felt dejected, knowing he was going to Slytherin. _But you're quite unlike your ancestors, aren't you?_

 _What?_ Sirius thought. _What are you talking about?_

 _You_ want _to be brave and courageous, don't you? You could do well in Slytherin but I think you would be great in-_

" _GRYFFINDOR!"_

All this sneaking around and lying and manipulating and playing his relatives like a fiddle reminded him quite plainly that the Hat _did_ debate Slytherin for Sirius Orion Black the third, regardless of what anyone else thought.

For a year and a half, it worked. Sirius stopped playing pranks, he got along with Narcissa and Bellatrix, didn't hint to anyone at all that he wrote to Andromeda, didn't mention to anyone that he was named Nymphadora's godfather. He didn't tell anyone that Lily Evans had given the Gryffindor boys a chance when they proved they had cleaned up their act and that they had quickly become close, to the point that Sirius considered her a sister.

Oh no, _he_ didn't tell anyone, but stupid, slimy Crabbe? _He_ did. Who did that lowlife think he _was_ to go and follow him around? _Him_ ? Sirius Orion Black? Crabbe was a _nobody_ and _no one_ would care about their family if Irma Crabbe hadn't married Sirius' grandfather, Pollux. So how dare he follow Sirius and threaten to expose him as being friends with a Muggleborn? And to make matters _worse_ , Crabbe never travelled alone after catching Sirius and Lily in the library together, perhaps knowing Sirius would Oblivate him at the soonest possible moment if he did.

It all was crashing down around him, and it was all because of a stupid distant cousin of his _through marriage_ ?! Sirius snarled at the thought. How demeaning and unbecoming of a Black Heir. Mother would be furious, firstly for catching Sirius in a lie (his muscles ached with a phantom pain at the idea of it) but also because Sirius had been discovered in the _first_ place, and for his failure to contain the situation.

Lily must have told the others what had happened, because they all were silent around him when he finally left the dorms. The common room was deadly silent, in response to Sirius' stormy mood.

That was another thing that drove Sirius mad; ever since he began playing the heir his mother always wanted, people seemed to fear him more. No one spoke as they made their way to the Great Hall for dinner. Lily sat with Marlene and Alice as far away from the boys as she could, in some form of damage control since she knew what Sirius was risking, but as the evening post was delivered, Sirius knew with a sinking feeling that it was no use.

A Howler landed in his dinner. Sirius was helpless, staring at it as it began smoking. He knew it would explode soon but maybe if he closed his eyes, it would go away like a bad drea-

" **_SIRIUS ORION BLACK, HOW DARE YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL!_ ** " Walburga Black's voice silenced the whole Great Hall. Even when Sirius played pranks, or more accurately bullied people, he had never gotten a Howler. Everyone's eyes were on him. " **_HOW DARE YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED. HOW DARE YOU STAIN THE FAMILY NAME? IF YOU BREATHE ANOTHER WORD IN A MANNER THAT DISGRACES THIS FAMILY, YOU WILL GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU! MARK MY WORDS, YOU INSOLENT LITTLE BOY!_ **" When the tirade ended, the letter tore itself up before bursting into flames. 

Total silence filled the Great Hall, and he risked a look at the Slytherins. Sev looked concerned. He had always worried about the Gryffindors ever since he and Lily had joined their fold (although there had been much apologizing on both ends before they became friends), and Regulus looked terrified, face pale. And then Crabbe, who looked afraid and slightly guilty.

No one moved. No one knew what to do. Had it been any other student, the Great Hall would have erupted into laughter. But Sirius Black was not just any student. Eventually, Dumbledore announced everyone should return to their meals, and so they did.

Suddenly, Sirius was not looking forward to Christmas anymore.

  
  


~*~

Walburga and Orion Black did not pick up their children from the Platform that year. Sirius straightened his back and grabbed ahold of Regulus' elbow when it became clear no one was going to be picking them up.

"Come along, Regulus. Let's go home." Regulus nodded and waved a quick farewell to some of his other friends and Sirius pretended he didn't stare longingly at Mr. and Mrs. Potter as they picked up Remus, Peter and James. Sirius had written to the Potters and explained the situation and had begged them to not speak to him or Regulus in public, as he simply could not risk someone unsavory seeing him.

Once they were in Muggle London, Sirius raised his wand arm and the Knight Bus appeared with a loud _Bang_!

"Welcome to the Knight Bus-" the ticketmaster began.

"Yes, yes, save us your spiel. Two tickets, and take us directly to Claremont Square in London," Sirius said dismissively, thrusting a few sickles at the man. His eyes widened as he recognized Sirius and his brother.

"Yes, Heir Black, of course! Right away, sir!"

Sirius eyed the man, "Are you going to get our trunks or not? We've had a long day, you see."

"Ah, yes, yes, of course. My apologies, Heir Black."

Sirius nodded at him and together with Reg, he boarded the bus and took a seat at the very back while their things were brought onto the bus.

Once the bus began moving again (somewhere in Ireland, judging by the scenery), Regulus whispered to him.

"They didn't even send Kreacher to come get us." His younger brother sounded worried, and for good reason. While their mother and father may not have picked them up or dropped them off at the platform, Kreacher was always sent to ensure their safety. The fact that he hadn't been sent was concerning, to say the least.

"I know."

"Sirius, you _must_ go stay with the Potters," Regulus urged. 

"I can't. Prolonging this will only worsen it, you know that." Regulus made a wounded noise, and Sirius knew it was only Regulus' pride that kept the 12 year old from burrowing into his older brother's side.

The rest of the ride was passed in silence, and when they arrived home, the atmosphere of the house wasn't much better than the Great Hall had been. Orion and Walburga sat, waiting for their children.

"Ah boys, you're home." Father sounded disinterested but his body language was tensed and stressed, and that worried Sirius. Father never looked like that.

"Sirius, it's so good to see you. Tell me something, won't you, _Son?_ " His mother's voice was syrupy sweet and Sirius felt a trickle of fear. 

"Of course, Mother."

"What is your last name?"

"Black, Mother."

"So perhaps now, you could explain something to me? Explain why a Black, the _Heir of the House_ nonetheless, was seen socializing with a _Mudblood,_ " She spat, voice full of fury. "You filthy little blood traitor, did you think you could _fool_ me?"

"No, Mother. I've changed, I promise it. Have I not been a good son this past year?" Sirius fought to keep his voice neutral, and for a moment, Father looked hopeful, relieved, even, but Sirius did not. He was no fool.

"You would have been, but it seems that Edward Crabbe, your dear second cousin, thinks that you have been _gallivanting_ around with a _Mudblood_ , and I have tolerated this long _enough_ , Sirius Orion Black. You will prove your loyalty to this family or you will leave. Permanently."

"Of course I will prove my loyalty to the family, Mother. However I can." Sirius was proud of himself for keeping his voice from trembling with fear. 

"Take the Dark Mark." Silence fell, and one could hear a wand drop from the attic of the house. It seemed even the portraits stilled.

"I thought the Blacks remained a politically neutral family, Mother."

"Usually, however, dear Bellatrix and her husband, along with Narcissa's husband, have taken the Mark. We cannot simply deny that a Black family member in good standing has taken the Mark. We Blacks stand together after all."

Sirius bowed his head. "Of course, Mother, if that is what you desire."

"Excellent. I shall write to Elijah Crabbe and scold him for allowing his son to spread rumors about mine. But first, a punishment is in order." Sirius' heart stopped as she raised her wand. She hadn't dismissed Regulus.

"Mother," he began, "You haven't dismissed Regulus."

"This is a lesson for him as well," _Ah. Mother must suspect Regulus is friendly with Lily as well_ , Sirius thought as he glanced at his brother out of the corner of his eye, and Regulus' eyes shined with unshed tears, but his shoulders and jaw were set. 

" _Crucio!_ " 

As Sirius writhed on the ground screaming, he thought dully about how proud he was that Regulus had not let a single tear shed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a first chapter, huh? for those of you who read TTAC, i think i'll update this story a day after that one, just to keep progressing on both stories. that being said, i hope you all enjoyed this chapter! thank you so much for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of things to note: Sirius is in his 4th year, I need to through and edit his age because I THINK he would have turned 15 in his 4th year, since his birthday is in November. Also, I can't find an official date wherein he, James and Peter became Animagi; the wiki just says "by their 5th year" which means like, at any point in time in between them finding out and them starting their 5th year. For the sake of the story, I decided they managed it late 3rd year/early 4th year, same thing with the creation of the Map.

Mother ended the  _ Crucio  _ a minute later, and Sirius lay on the ground, coughing weakly as he tried to pull himself back together. She sniffed disdainfully as she watched him.

"Get up and go to your room. You too, Regulus. Stay there until Kreacher summons you for dinner." She stalked out of the kitchen without waiting for an answer, and Father was close behind her. 

Regulus was beside him in a second, and gently lifted him up, "Come on, Siri, let's go," he murmured softly. "Kreacher?" he asked, and the House Elf appeared with the quietest  _ crack _ either boy had ever heard.

"Master Sirius, Master Regulus," he said with a sweeping bow. At one point, Sirius had hated Kreacher. He had looked at the elf and seen everything wrong with his family, and it was so easy to hate him, but once Sirius began playing Heir Black, he grew to understand Kreacher. He was trying to survive, too.

"Kreacher, can you help me get Sirius to his room? And would you get him a Cruciate Potion?"

"Mistress Black has harmed Master Sirius?" he croaked as he snapped his fingers and levitated Sirius up the stairs. Sirius glanced weakly at the family portraits on the wall, and to his surprise, Phineas Nigellus Black was still there.

"Sirius, Regulus," he greeted. Regulus stopped, as did Kreacher, but he stopped more uneasily.

"Great-grandfather. I am pleased to see you."

"How is he?" Phineas gestured to Sirius, and the older Black brother let out a groan in response.

"I'm fine, Great-grandfather. I've endured worse."

Phineas frowned. "Kreacher, take him to his room. He's too polite. He's in a lot of pain."

"Yes, Former Master Black," Kreacher said with a sweeping bow, and the trio resumed their climb.

Finally, they reached Sirius' room, and Kreacher carefully set Sirius down on his bed. Regulus winced when Sirius cried out in pain as his muscles began spasming again as the aftershocks set in. 

"Kreacher will return with the necessary potions." and there was another soft and quiet crack.

"Sirius," Regulus breathed as he sat next to his brother's bed. He reached out and began rubbing at a spot where he could see the muscle spasm, and Sirius cried out in pain again as he worked at it. "Why didn't you  _ leave _ like I told you?"

Sirius groaned. "Don't be stupid, Reg. Would you have left with me?"

"What?"

"You've known James for a year, and you haven't ever met his parents. Would you have felt safe there? Because I won't leave without you, and I'm not going to take you anywhere that you feel unsafe." Regulus stared at him, incredulously. 

"You should have left me."

"Absolutely not!" Sirius snapped weakly. Another  _ crack _ as Kreacher returned. 

"Master Sirius, here are your potions." Regulus and Sirius both thanked him as Regulus administered them quickly, starting with the Cruciate Potion before following it up with the Pain Relief Potion that Kreacher had brought. Sirius sighed in relief as they began to take effect, and he said a quick thank you to Kreacher before he left to prepare dinner.

"Regulus, you feel safer in this house. If I took you to the Potter's house, you wouldn't feel safe. You  _ know _ how this house works, but you don't know how the Potter house works, and you don't trust James quite yet. That's fine. When you do, we're leaving, but until then I'm staying here with you to keep you safe, and I won't hear another word on the subject," Sirius hated using his Heir voice on his younger brother. Sirius had spent many countless hours trying to model it after how Mother and Father spoke, and it worked because people hastened to obey him and Regulus was no exception.

"Yes, brother," he murmured as he bowed his head.

"Good. Now hurry, go to your room. If Mother comes to make sure we listened and she caught you in here, I wouldn't be able to help you. Besides, I'm about to fall asleep," Sirius yawned widely, and he watched his brother through lidded eyes. Neither was surprised; Sirius always napped after Mother punished him. 

"Of course, Siri. Rest well."

"Reggie?" Sirius called softly after his brother as he burrowed into his sheets. "Thank you for helping me. I love you." 

"I love you too."

Dinner was a tense affair. Father sat at the head seat, Sirius sitting to his left as Heir, with Regulus next to Sirius and Mother sitting at Father's right. The silence was broken only by the sounds of eating, until Kreacher served the dessert course.

"Sirius, darling, I owled Bellatrix, Rodolphous and Lucius. They said that the Dark Lord won't initiate you until you leave for the summer, as you are still in school right now."

"Of course, Mother. I shall have to owl them my thanks."

"Indeed. Make sure you have a special talent, won't you? To make sure the Dark Lord favors you, of course. After all, you cannot rely on Bella, Rodolphous and Lucius. I will not have you disgracing the family name."

"I understand, Mother." On the inside though, Sirius was panicking. His only talent was that he was an Animagus. Perhaps that would work? At the very least, his talent with transfiguration would work, not to mention the spells he and Remus had to create to make the Map… But then he froze as another thought came to him.

_ What would he tell everyone? _

After dinner, he hurried up to his room and fumbled through his trunk to look for his mirror to contact James.

" _ James Fleamont Potter!" _ he cried desperately, on the verge of tears.

"Sirius Orion Black," came the reply. James' face appeared in the mirror and in the distance, he could see Remus and Peter, who were staying with James for the break. "Mate? What  _ happened _ to you?"

"Mother left me under  _ Crucio  _ for a minute or so, but- but that's not important," he gasped. 

" _ Not important _ , Sirius-"

"Listen to me!" he begged, tears dripping from his eyes. "Mother never sent Kreacher to pick Reggie and I up, so we took the Knight Bus home. When we came home, Mother confronted me. Edward Crabbe wrote to Mother and his father, and told them he saw me hanging out with Lily. You all heard the Howler but," Sirius shivered. "Mother was furious. She told me to prove my loyalty to the family or get out and I  _ can't leave Regulus _ ," Sirius' voice was desperate and pleading, begging with them to understand. 

"What happened, Siri?" Remus asked softly, eyes watering.

"When I said I'd prove it, she told me," suddenly a tight panic gripped Sirius' throat and he couldn't speak. They were going to  _ hate _ him. He should have taken Regulus and run, should have gone to Gringotts and clear out both their Vaults before fleeing to Potter Manor, consequences be damned. Tears streamed from Sirius' eyes, and he finally forced the rest of it out: "She told me I had to take the Dark Mark."

Silence, before a broken, "Mate…"

"And- And I don't know what to do! I don't want to be a Death Eater! I'm Dora's Godfather! What if someone finds out I'm in contact with Meda and her husband? What if something happens to them because of me? Or-or what if  _ He _ finds out I'm faking it? He could kill Regulus!" Sobs racked Sirius' body. "But if I don't, what will happen to Regulus? I can't leave him, I can't!"

"Siri, breathe for me. Shh, come on now, breathe in and out." Remus' voice penetrated the suffocating fear he felt. "Come on, breathe, you're gonna make yourself sick." With enormous effort, Sirius slowed his breathing. He was aware of other people talking; he could make out the soothing tilts of the accent James picked up from his mother, could hear Peter's Irish accent mingling with it.

Some time passed and awareness came back to him.

"There you are, good job Sirius," Remus' voice was warmth with affection. "You're okay."

"What am I going to do?" Sirius hiccuped, trying to not spiral again.

"That's obvious, isn't it? You're going to talk to Dumbledore!" Peter declared. "They say Dumbledore is the only person Voldemort is afraid of, and he likes you. He'll help you." James and Remus nodded, all of them looking far more confident than Sirius felt.

~*~

Sirius didn't leave his room much for the remainder of the break. He had penned letters to the Lestranges and to the Malfoys, to thank them for their help and when they wrote back expressing pride in Sirius for  _ joining a noble cause _ , he had promptly run to his bathroom and threw up his lunch and he spent the last few days feeling sick to his stomach. 

When the time came for the Black brothers to return to school, Mother dropped them off on the Platform.

"Remember boys, bring honor to the family name. You are Blacks. And Sirius, darling, Mr. Crabbe issues his  _ fullest _ apology for his son's transgression, and he reassured me that the distress you had been caused has been repaid in full." Uneasy and disgust wormed its way into Sirius' stomach, but he forced a bright and feral grin anyway.

"Excellent, Mother. However, I had been hoping to show dear Edward what happens when one tries to defame the Blacks." 

His mother laughed, a bright, tinkling sound, and she pressed a kiss to Sirius' cheek. "That's my boy. I'm so proud of you, darling," she cooed as she brought a single finger to trace down Sirius' cheek. Suddenly, she was leaning down to whisper in her son's ear, "If you try to embarrass this family again, you won't be the only one to suffer a  _ Crucio.  _ And if you leave, you better take the brat with you." Just as quickly, she straightened up and pressed a kiss to Regulus' forehead.

"Go ahead, boys, and find a compartment!" Walburga shooed the boys onto the train, and once out of sight, Sirius made a dash to the bathroom where his breakfast made a reappearance.

Regulus was waiting outside the bathroom. "Come on, let's go find the others."

The train ride back was silent and tense.

The day after they arrived back to school Sirius was outside Dumbledore's office. Phineas had told him Dumbledore's new password was Toffee Brittle, and as soon as he said it to the gargoyle statue, it sprung to the side and allowed Sirius up.

Tentatively, he knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Dumbledore called from the other side.

"Ah, Mr. Black. Your great-grandfather said I should be expecting you. What may I do for you?" Dumbledore was sat in his chair, eyes twinkling as Sirius took a seat opposite from him.

"It's a bit complicated, you see…" And so Sirius told Dumbledore the story, from how he had decided to play the part of Heir to the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black, to befriending Lily Evans and Severus Snape, to how Crabbe had caught him and Lily studying together in the library in what was an obvious social call, to his mother's reaction to it. "...And now she wants me to take the Dark Mark and I- I will, but I don't  _ want _ to and then Peter Pettigrew suggested… You might be able to help. Please, Andromeda and Ted Tonks named me godfather of their daughter and if something were to happen to them or Regulus because of me- I… I'll spy for you, I'll do anything just… Help me," he begged.

Dumbledore was silent for a long while before he spoke. "You know, my boy, during your third year, I had wondered why you were placed in Gryffindor. I thought surely, you belonged in Slytherin. You took to your role as Heir Black like a duck to water and I couldn't understand why, before. Now, I understand why you are in Gryffindor," He stood up. "I will help you. I will place your goddaughter and her family under protection, and I will teach you Occulumency to aid in your role as a spy. In exchange, I want you to tell me as much as you can without compromising your position."

Relief crashed through Sirius, and he gasped out, "Thank you, sir. I won't let you down!" he vowed.

"No, I don't suspect you will. Now then, there are a few things you must tell Voldemort in order for this to succeed…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story gets worse before it gets better


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is NOT a happy chapter so. TW: discussions of child abuse, underaged drinking, discussions of torture and death. If these themes make you uncomfortable, the main take away in this is that Sirius becomes a Death Eater.

Sirius sat in the Room of Requirement, sipping on the Firewhiskey he had nicked from the Hog's Head Inn during their last Hogsmeade trip. Regulus, Severus, Remus, Peter, James and Lily all sat surrounding him, watching him with concern as he drank from the bottle.

"What happened, Siri?" Regulus asked softly. He looked guilty and mournful.

"Before we hear about how the meeting with Dumbledore went, Sirius, we need to talk. With you and Regulus both," James said before Sirius could answer. Both Black brothers looked at him in confusion, but everyone else in the room looked grave and concerned. "Sirius, you said your mother used the Cruciatus Curse on you, when you called me over the mirror. You said it wasn't important. What did you mean by that?" 

Sirius frowned, "It was just a punishment. Happens to everyone." The whole room reacted negatively to that, and Sirius looked around in bemusement. Severus was stony faced, while Remus was nearly snarling in anger. James' jaw was clenched tightly. Regulus shifted closer to Sirius, trying to shrink into his older brother's side as he took in the anger in the room. Sirius wrapped an arm around him, while his gaze kept flickering to everyone in turn. Lily watched, and she was painfully reminded of Severus and how he acted when they first had become friends. Some part of her even wondered if Sirius knew he was searching for danger, for some sign that he (or, she thought Merlin forbid it, Regulus) were about to be attacked. Seemingly satisfied that the anger was not directed at him or his younger brother when no one reacted, he began cooing to Regulus and whispering soft phrases to him. It took a minute or two, but Regulus finally detached himself from Sirius' side- but only slightly. 

"Sirius," Severus began softly, "Are you under the impression that the rest of us are routinely disciplined with an Unforgivable Curse?" Sirius paused, before waving a dismissive hand.

"Of course you aren't. Sev, your family, the Princes, are a neutral family. Lily is a Muggleborn, and the Lupins are a Light leaning neutral family. The Pettigrews are a Dark leaning neutral family, but don't follow the Old Ways, and then the Potters are solidly Light."

"And what does that mean, Siri?" Lily asked him, and Sirius frowned. He knew that tone of voice. That was the voice she used when she thought one of them was stressed or upset by something and was just a hair shy of being spooked or lashing out.

"It  _ means _ that none of you come from a family where that's normal discipline. It's common in families like mine."

James frowned, eyes troubled. "Sirius, I know plenty of other people who come from Dark families that still practice the Old Ways- That sixth year, McLaggen for example, and I know his family doesn't use that to discipline him."

Sirius shrugged. "I'm still not following. What's the problem? I'm fine, and she doesn't do it to Regulus." 

"Sirius, the problem is you are being  _ abused _ ," Severus drawled; his voice was cold, like he was trying to keep from getting too angry. "And you are so brainwashed that you are normalizing that and worse yet, attempting to justify it."

"I am not!" Sirius spat. "Abuse is what your toerag of a father did to your mother and you! My parents have never laid hand on me."

Severus eyed him in disbelief. "So if my mother used  _ Crucio  _ on me, would I deserve it?" Sirius shook his head immediately. "And why is that?"

"Well, you're well behaved. There is a reason Mother doesn't do it to Reggie, you know."

"Let's try it this way," Remus broke in. "Did your Uncle Cygnus ever use it on Andromeda?" 

"No, she would have told me."

"And what about Bellatrix? Or Narcissa?" Sirius frowned for a moment, thinking.

"No."

"Okay, does your uncle Cygnus follow The Old Ways?" Remus demanded. Sirius nodded silently. "And they have all 'misbehaved' at some point, yes?"

Sirius nodded, slowly. "One time, Bella left doxies under Regulus' pillow when they had come over. I thought Mother was going to hex her when she found out."

"And how did your uncle punish her?" Sirius frowned, trying to think.

"He forbade her from using a family wand to practice magic for the next month, and told her she couldn't leave the house for 2 weeks." Remus nodded. 

"Sirius, the point we're trying to make here, is that your upbringing is  _ wrong  _ and you shouldn't be subjected to an Unforgivable," Peter finally said. Everyone's eyes were locked on the Black Brothers, who were glancing at each other in confusion.

Severus sighed, seeing that they weren't going to make miracles happen in one night.

"Think on it, Black. Now then, tell us what happened with the Headmaster."

"He said he'd help me. He even gave me some advice on how to Occulade better, so that Vol- The Dark Lord," Sirius forced out, catching his slip up, "Won't be able to tell I'm a spy."

Remus furrowed his eyebrows. "You know Occulumency?" 

"We both do," Regulus piped up. "All Black children are taught it. Lots of family secrets, you know?" Sirius nodded in agreement.

"Mother also instructed me to play to my talents with him, and Dumbledore agreed. He suggested that my talent in transfiguration or charms would be sufficient. I might suggest my animagus form, so that way my proficiency in Transfiguration and Charms can remain a secret for a while."

"Why don't you just leave?" Lily asked. Sirius gave her a startled glance, confused.

"Sorry?" 

"Why don't you leave? You don't want to join him, fine, leave. You have your own vault, don't you?" Sirius nodded. "So why not leave? What's stopping you?"

"I can't leave Regulus with her, Lils," he said gently. "She hasn't raised her wand against him yet and I want it to stay that way."

"So take him with you, then!" she snapped. The entire room winced, and they could tell she was getting wound up.

"I  _ can't  _ because Mother and Father have a legal claim to him. They have a weaker claim to me, because I'm 15, but Reggie isn't even in his third year yet. I need a permanent out, not a temporary one. Besides…" he trailed off, looking away.

"Besides what, Siri?" Remus coaxed. Sirius shifted, and took another swig of the Firewhiskey. He stared at the floor, and he pressed Regulus into his side.

"Sometimes, I hate you all so much it suffocates me. Except Severus, because he gets it. Mother and Father dropped me off at the Platform for my first year, but when it was time to go home for Yule… They sent Kreacher instead," he stared, unseeing, and he inhaled deeply before continuing. "It caused quite a stir in Pureblood circles. James, I'm sure you heard the whispers. The Lord and Lady Black not accompanying their Heir to the Platform for Hogwarts? A scandal, I'm sure. They didn't even bother coming with us when Regulus started school."

Peter made to speak but Severus shook his head. Sirius needed to say this. "And you all… Your parents dropped you all off, every year, and they hugged you and got teary eyed and kissed you and-and they  _ loved  _ you. Sometimes, I'd watch you all and wonder, if Mother and Father ever loved us like that. If being away from us worried them. Surely they loved us at some point, right? I want my mother to love me. It's stupid but part of me hopes that if I stay home then maybe Mother will learn to love me again," Sirius' voice was choked and small. He blinked rapidly a few times before drinking quickly from the bottle again. 

Remus stood up and crossed the room quickly, and he grabbed the bottle and corked it before tossing it to James, who caught it with his Quidditch accuracy. Remus then plopped down on the couch in between Sirius and Regulus, forcing them apart, before he grabbed them both and dragged their heads into his neck. Sirius knew enough about the wolf traits Remus got as a result of his lycantrophy to know that he must have thought that Sirius and Regulus smelled distressed and was seeking to soothe them, and it dragged a smile to Sirius' face.

Sirius turned so he could tuck himself into Remus' side and he signed in contentment when Remus wrapped an arm around him to press him closer to the taller boy's side. Sirius glanced at Regulus and saw that his brother looked hesitant before he eventually relaxed into the hold. Remus rumbled in delight, pleased that both Black brothers smelled less distressed now that they were in his hold. While he could never forget he was a werewolf, some instincts took him by surprise; the one to scent mark and cuddle a distressed pack member was one of them.

"Shit, Remus, let us get in on the cuddle pile!" James exclaimed, and with no further warning, Peter was squirming his way into the embrace, followed closely behind by the other three. James squeezed in next to Remus, behind Sirius, while Severus was plastered next to Regulus, while Lily was sat across Remus and Sirius' laps. 

Sirius grinned, sleepy and content, feeling for the first time in a long while, truly safe and loved.

  
  


~*~

Winter bled into spring, and spring into summer and all too soon, it was time for Sirius to go home. He felt a crushing sense of dread, chest tight with anxiety. It was a Monday, and Bellatrix had sent an owl to him on the final day of exams to tell him that his initiation would take place on Friday, during the next meeting. 

He stood in his dorm, his things packed and staring helplessly out the window. When he'd stand in this dorm room again, he'd be in his 5th year and he'd be… a Death Eater. A spy on them, but a Death Eater nonetheless. He was scared shitless. Part of him wanted to take Regulus and seek refuge at the Potters' house, but the more reasonable part of him knew that his parents would march straight to the Ministry and demand they get Regulus back, and the idea of sending Regulus to that loveless home alone brought tears to his eyes. He could not, would not, leave Regulus Black alone.

He racked his brain, thinking hard. Was there anything else he needed to do? He had already sent an owl to Andromeda, informing her of everything. Dumbledore would be arriving at her house Thursday to ward it personally, just in case his occulmency failed. He thought about Dora, and her bright giggles and sparkling eyes and changing hair colors and facial features in the photos that he had tucked away and warded, and he  _ needed _ his mental magic to work. He couldn't live with himself if little Dora was threatened because of his weakness.

Sirius jumped as James clapped him on the shoulder, eyes soft.

"Come on," he urged. "We need to leave, or we'll miss the train." Sirius nodded, knowing he was right, but it pained him to leave.

"James?" he croaked. James tipped his head to the side, and smiled at him, nodding for him to continue. "No matter what happens, I love you."

James' eyes softened in a way that they only did for Sirius- for his brother in all but blood, "I love you too. Let's go."

The pair headed down the stairs to the common room, where they were joined by Lily, Remus and Peter. The instant their feet touched the floor, Remus' head snapped up and his nostrils flared. James and Sirius exchanged a glance, barely suppressing an eye roll. The closer they got to the date where Sirius would take the Mark, the more protective Remus had been. When everyone finally cornered him over the matter (because they had to talk to him about it, after the normally well mannered teen had actually  _ snarled _ at Crabbe for coming too close during class), he sheepishly explained that he considered them all, the Marauders, Lily, Severus and Regulus, to be his pack. He said that as the only werewolf, he also considered himself the 'leader' of the pack, and that as everyone got more stressed over Sirius' predicament, the more defensive he got. He explained it wasn't something he could really control, just… his werewolf instincts demanding the safety of his pack, and since he couldn't protect Sirius from the main threats (the plural had not gone unnoticed by the aforementioned teen), he felt the need to protect him and everyone else from the more minor threats.

Like the cousin who had exposed Sirius as being friends with Lily Evans, and therefore causing the whole circus of events that unfolded afterwards.

How none of the upper years had figured out that Remus John Lupin was a werewolf was beyond him. His behavior alone should have given it away, Sirius thought.

Lily gave him a soft smile as they approached the others and she took Sirius' hand in her own. Sirius had suggested riding back on his own, so that way no one could potentially bother Lily for being friends with Sirius if any upper years happened to be Death Eaters, but she had simply rolled her eyes and told him to sod off. Instead, she said she would cast a Notice Me Not charm on herself and then do the same for their compartment once Sev and Reg had joined them. 

"Are we all ready to go?" Peter asked, forcing cheer into his voice. Sirius thought he could kiss Peter for that. Everyone had grown more tense, but Peter had refused to let everyone wallow in their worry and instead he had worked tirelessly to try and keep their spirits up, never allowing them to dwell for long on the problem for long. Sirius met his eyes, and smiled at him before nodding. Peter let out a soft chirp, almost subconsciously, before he flushed as he realized what he had done, causing the entire group to erupt into laughter.

Ever since the Marauders had become Animagi, they had all adopted some characteristics of the animals they could transform into; Peter had developed a biting habit and would let out hard to hear chirps or squeaks when he was pleased with something. Sirius had developed separation anxiety because dogs were pack animals, and as such he preferred to be with at least one of the others at all times. In addition to that, he was able to produce some very dog-like sounds; barking, growling, rumbling. His laugh even had taken on a bark like quality. James, however, had developed an almost stupidly strong sense of smell but had also become almost incredibly territorial. He was prone to rubbing his head against the others, or on things he owned to try and make sure they smelled like him, which was dangerous because if he went on a scenting spree, then Remus was inevitably triggered to do the same. When asked about it, they both just shrugged and said things "smelled like safety", causing everyone to just shrug and leave it. Everyone else just thought James had become obsessed with being the little spoon in cuddle sessions.

"It's so cute when you do that, Pete," Lily cooed. 

"It's not  _ cute, _ " he whined. "It's- It's just a thing!"

"It is pretty adorable, mate," James agreed, "It's like you're so happy you can't keep it in."

Peter sniffed, "Whatever. Come on, we're gonna miss the train at this rate." Everyone laughed and hurried after Peter, catching up to him at the Great Hall where he was looking around for Regulus and Severus. He must have spotted them because he started jumping up and down and waving his hands.

"Do you see them?" Remus asked, at Peter's side in an instant. Sirius knew Remus must be on edge, getting ready to leave everyone for a few months. Sirius could understand his apprehension; at least he'd have Regulus to help ease his separation anxiety.

Peter nodded, "They're at the far end of the table, closest to the Staff Table." Remus scanned the crowd briefly before his gaze locked onto the pair. He whistled, high and loud, getting their attention. When Regulus saw his brother, he went running.

"Sirius!" he called. Sirius was aware of the cool gaze of some of their cousins in Slytherin on him. 

Showtime.

"Regulus," he said, a touch louder than necessary so that way he could be sure his voice carried, "Don't run in doors. Mother taught you better than that." Sirius caught the flash of amusement in Regulus' eyes, so he knew his brother wasn't offended.

"My apologies, brother. I am eager to return home. Mother wrote that we had an event worthy of celebration happening on Friday, but she wouldn't tell me what."

This was a staged conversation, one that Sirius needed his cousins to overhear. He needed as many people in those circles to believe he was anticipating his service to the Dark Lord, and he was relieved to notice that a few of them looked intrigued or approving.

"I daresay she didn't," he agreed. "You'll be informed of it when the time is right, Regulus. However, that is no reason to lose your sense of decorum. You are a Black, after all." He adopted a slight scolding tone and Regulus reacted accordingly, bowing his head in apology.

"Yes brother. I apologize."

Sirius waved a hand dismissively. "It's of little consequence, Regulus. Come along now." Before he could turn away, Edward Crabbe called out to him.

"Oi, Black!" Sirius turned an appraising eye to him.

"I do hope I've gone deaf," he drawled, "Because I would hate to inform Mother that a  _ Crabbe _ acted so casually around his betters." A few of the older Slytherins snickered as his cousin's face drained of some color, clearly buying Sirius' performance. Sirius on the other hand, felt ready to hurl.

"Of course not, Heir Black. I had assumed I had the right to refer to you casually as we are related."

Sirius sniffed, "Be that as it may, you are a Proxy to my House. Your family owes mine, do not forget that. In any case, I believe you had something you wished to ask me?" 

"Where's your pet Mudblood?" Crabbe demanded. "You finally get rid of her?" Before Sirius could react, an older Slytherin, Rosier, thumped Crabbe on the back of the head.

"That's old news, Crabbe. Keep up, will you?" He turned to Sirius. "I apologize for the disturbance, Heir Black. If the Lady Black has cause for celebration, then I hope we will be informed of it."

Sirius nodded at Rosier. "I dare say you will." He glanced around at his friends, before gesturing to the door. "Let's not wait further. Let's go home." Everyone else nodded, knowing how crucial the act was for Sirius' reputation. The instant they hit the path to walk to the train station in Hogsmeade, Lily and Remus both cast Notice Me Not charms on the group. When Sirius saw the shimmering border encircle them, he relaxed his posture some, slumping his shoulders.

"Merlin, I hate doing that," he sighed, before turning to Lily. "I'm sorry I couldn't defend you, Lily." This was a fairly standard conversation. Lily had felt immensely guilty when she had heard what Sirius had to do after his friendship with her had been exposed, so she had helped spread the rumor herself that Sirius and her had had a falling out. Anyone in Gryffindor knew this was absolute bollocks, because the pair could often be found studying together in the common room, but Sirius had simply asked for them to not contradict the rumors, and they had readily agreed.

After all. Being a Black came with some perks.

"It's not your fault, Sirius. I know that if you were able to, you'd hex him into next week."

Sirius scowled, "I can't wait until I can." Lily made a sympathetic noise.

"I have to say, Sirius," Severus said, "If you're able to play Voldemort like that though, that you'll make a great spy." 

"If there's one thing I've been doing my whole life," he agreed, "It's playing people like a fiddle."

"Still," Remus interjected, "You'll stay safe, yeah?"

"Of course, Remmy." Remus eyed him, before nodding. "Come on, then," Sirius said as they reached the platform. "Let's find a compartment."

The ride back home was subdued. Sirius spent it being crushed by Remus and James, both of whom seemed intent on scenting him one last time. He was aware of Lily talking with Regulus, but he couldn't focus on their conversation, but he was aware enough to know that Regulus smelled content, and he felt a rush of affection for the red head. She truly was like the sister neither boy had ever had, and the first time she had escorted Regulus to the Room of Requirement she had extended her non-dominant hand to his brother with her palm up and fingers spread apart had sealed the deal on that. Regulus had been near tears when he whispered this to Sirius, and Sirius wondered if Lily understood the implications in that gesture. James had been teaching her about Pureblood culture, or at least the culture of Light Pureblooded families but there was some overlap between Gray, Light, and Dark families and one of those points of overlap was how one held hands with a child or younger sibling. The non-dominant hand was extended, palm up with fingers spread so that the child could interlock their fingers together with the guardian being able to still access their wand. It was an affectionate and protective gesture, first and foremost- one that Walburga Black did not use with her children.

When they pulled into the station some few hours later, Sirius peered out the window and spotted both his parents standing on the platform. He had known to expect them personally, but seeing them was another matter and it solidified it for Sirius. This really was happening.

"Reg, Mother and Father are here," he said. The whole compartment stilled.

"This is really happening soon then, huh?" James whispered, moving beside Sirius to peer out the window as well.

"It is," Sirius turned back to his friends. "I can't be seen with any of you, not in front of Mother and Father. James is okay, but-"

"Sirius," Remus cut in softly. "We know."

"And when you write, you must use those quills I gave you. The ones especially charmed to only be visible to the recipient of the letter." Sirius' voice was pleading and desperate, and he watched as his friends' eyes softened in sympathy.

"We got it, mate. We'll all write you Saturday," James promised, pulling him and Regulus into a hug before he quickly rubbed the tops of their heads with his cheek. "Go, hurry. Don't keep your mom waiting too long." Sirius nodded, drinking in the sight of his friends one final time before he left, Regulus hot on his heels.

~*~

Thursday was a flurry of activity. Bellatrix, Rodolphous, and Lucius had all come over the day before to help get Sirius ready, explaining to him how the meeting would go.

"You are to wait in the hall outside the actual meeting room. A member will be sent to get you. When you enter the room, you are to bow to the Dark Lord." Bellatrix was an oxymoron to Sirius. She looked regal and beautiful. She had the signature Black features, with her curly hair, her sharp angled face, her wide and round eyes. She looked like she should be kind and yet, the way she spoke next sent chills up Sirius' spine. "And then afterwards, there will be a Muggle. You are to perform an Unforgivable on them, to prove your dedication to the cause. The Dark Lord cares little for  _ Imperio  _ unless you make it…  _ entertaining _ ," she drawled, eyes lit with excitement. 

Sirius knew he would prefer the  _ Imperio  _ but what could he do to make it entertaining? He didn't have the sadism in him that Bellatrix did, could not force himself to make the Muggle do anything inhumane.

"What did you all do?" He forced curiosity into his voice, letting his Occulumency shields guard his real emotions tightly while he did his best to project a sense of genuine interest; he knew Bella would know instantly if his mental magic wavelength changed drastically.

"I used  _ Imperio, _ " Lucius said, a smirk on his face. "I made him act like a dog. I had read some interesting things that dogs do, regarding their own waste, you see. I thought it would be fitting." 

Sirius arched an eyebrow, revulsion lacing through him. "And what of you both?"

Bellatrix's smile turned cruel while Rodolphous answered, "We used a  _ Crucio  _ until the Muggles lost their minds. Ended up drooling on the floor, didn't they, darling?" He cooed to Bella, as if he were whispering sweet nothings in her ear. 

"Turned them into the mindless animals they really are!" Bellatrix declared. 

"What happened to them after? Surely they were… disposed of," Sirius wrinkled his nose as if discussing something unpleasant. 

Lucius nodded, "Indeed. The Dark Lord fed them to his snake, Nagini."

Sirius laughed along with the others, feeling nothing but his disgust, fear, and revulsion choking him.

~*~

The next evening came too soon to Sirius. He felt as if he was floating, watching someone else control his own body. He had grabbed hold of Bellatrix's arm as she Apperated him to the meeting point, some Death Eater's house. Bellatrix left him in a hall, after pressing a quick kiss to his temple, while Rodolphous and Lucius both nodded at him, eyes lit with pride.

He heard, vaguely, some people talking and all too soon, the door opened and Sirius forced himself into the present.

Voldemort was sat at the head of a large table, with a large snake sitting across his shoulders. He looked to be in his late 40s, or perhaps early 50s and maybe in another life, he would have been handsome but there was an air of cruelty that hung to him. His skin was pale, but his hair was ink black. He had a statuesque face. But his eyes- his eyes were unsettling.

They were a blood red, with snake-like pupils. 

Sirius treated further into the labyrinth that made his Occulumency shields, repressing his fear and projecting awe. 

The chairs to his immediate right and left were empty, and Sirius registered that with interest. Did he not trust anyone enough to appoint them as his second and third in command? 

He caught sight of the Lestranges and of Malfoy sitting towards the middle of the table as Sirius strode forward, head held high with his shoulders back, looking the picture of a Pureblood heir.

"I would like everyone to welcome our newest recruit to our ranks. Heir to the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black, Sirius Orion Black," Voldemort had the speech timed perfectly so that as the last syllable of his name rang out as he lowered himself to a full bow on the ground in front of Voldemort's feet. "Rise."

Sirius stood, but kept his attitude deferential, "My Lord," he murmured. He could feel Voldemort's eyes on him.

"Bellatrix tells me you have undergone something of a reformation, Black." Sirius forced himself to tense up a bit at the lack of respect given to his title. He was playing a careful game- he needed to project the image of an Heir to a powerful family fighting to not be offended at the lack of respect given to his family name.

"Yes, My Lord."

"She tells me you used to associate with Mudbloods."

"A mistake, my Lord," he said easily, lifting his gaze to meet Voldemort's. This was the true test. Sirius had received additional training in Occulumency from Dumbledore and in addition to his Heir ring, he should be protected from most forms of Legilimency, which included Voldemort's ability to detect lies.

"Yes, she tells me you know now what Mudbloods are, yes?" Sirius felt relief trickle down his spine. Voldemort hadn't been able to tell.

"Indeed, my Lord."

"And what are they?"

"Little more than dirt," Voldemort's lips twisted into a cruel smile.

"You are correct, Heir Black. Perhaps, you'd like to show us what is done with dirt?" With a wave of his wand, a Muggle appeared. Sirius could just faintly make out the shimmering border of a Notice Me Not Charm. The Muggles were pre selected then. 

She was a pretty woman, with round and bright eyes. Her hair was a strawberry blonde and she had a smatter of freckles across her nose. In any other circumstance, she would have been beautiful.

Instead, her clothes were torn and she was bleeding from various injuries. The fear and misery was evident in her eyes. Tears leaked down her cheeks, and her jaw was clenched, as though determined to not make any noise. Her eyes drifted down to her stomach, and Sirius' gaze locked onto the slight bump he could see there.

Sirius approached her, and she locked eyes with him. He raised his wand, and she did her best to not look afraid but he could almost taste her fear, could hear her heart pounding. Sirius knew his back was facing the others and so he mouthed a quick  _ I'm sorry _ . The woman stilled, face paling.

" _ Avada Kedavra! _ " Sirius' voice was cold and hard. There was a bright flash of green and a dull  _ thud _ as the woman hit the floor, a single tear leaking down her face.

Sirius stood, rooted to the spot for the briefest of moments, fighting back the urge to throw up as he heard applause from the Death Eaters.

"Sirius, come," Voldemort called. He almost sounded pleased.

Sirius retreated back to his side and dropped into another full bow.

"Rise." Sirius obeyed. "That was quite a display. Was that the first time you cast an Unforgivable?" 

"Yes, my Lord."

"Impressive, Heir Black. So much power for one so young. You will be a valued member of our ranks. Hold out your left arm," Sirius rolled up the sleeve of his robe and extended it. He steeled himself as Voldemort pointed his wand at Sirius' arm.

" _ Morsmordre Corpus! _ " 

A burning pain seared through Sirius' arm, white hot and all consuming. He clenched his teeth tightly to keep from crying out. He let out a small hiss as the burning stopped, and Sirius watched as the Dark Mark blossomed on his forearm.

"Your cousin Bellatrix speaks quite highly of you, Heir Black. She boasts of your many talents. Tell me, what would you deem the most useful?" Voldemort asked, drawing Sirius out of his study of his arm.

"If I may, my Lord, perhaps I could show you." 

And suddenly, a large black dog stood in the middle of the room.

Interest and delight sparked in Voldemort's gaze. "You are an Animagus?"

Sirius phased back and answered quickly, "An unregistered one at that, my Lord. I thought being unregistered provided more… benefits." Voldemort nodded, slowly.

"You were friends with the Potter boy, were you not?"

"Indeed, my Lord."

"And he intends to fight with Dumbledore?" Sirius inclined his head, showing his agreement. "I would like you to spy. Use your Animagus form, if necessary. Gain Dumbledore's trust and report back to me."

Sirius bowed deeply again, feeling the respect in awe in the room. He could tell that he had just been given a very valuable position.

"Yes, my Lord."

"Good. This meeting is adjourned. Welcome to the ranks, Heir Black."

There was a sharp crack, and Voldemort disappeared.

Sirius rose amongst the sounds of the Death Eaters chattering and he stared at the body of the muggle he had killed.

He'd done it, but at what cost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and THAT'S the chapter. what did y'all think?


	4. Chapter 4

It was late in the night when Bellatrix dropped him off at home. Mother and Father were in the kitchen waiting for him. Sirius' stomach reacted violently at the sight of them, but he suppressed it.

"Sirius, darling, how did it go?" Mother asked, rising from her seat to embrace him.

"It went well, Mother," he murmured as his arms automatically rose to return her hug. "I've already been assigned a task from the Dark Lord, as a matter of fact."

She pulled back, eyes lit in delight. "You have? Oh that's _wonderful_ , Sirius! I'm so _proud_ of you!"

Sirius clenched his jaw briefly. How often had he longed to hear her say those words to him? How desperately had he wanted her to love him? Only for her to say them after he- after he'd stained himself with blood? After he had _murdered_ someone? Was that what her love was worth? 

"The Dark Lord was impressed with you then, boy?" Sirius' gaze flickered to Father.

"Indeed, Father. He was most pleased with my Transfiguration skill."

Walburga tutted, "Oh of course he was. Top of the class, aren't you, Sirius? Do you see what happens when you stop associating with the dredges of society?" She pressed a quick kiss to her cheek and Sirius studied his mother. She looked happier than he had ever seen her. His stomach rolled at the thought of what made her so pleased.

"You must be tired, son. Up to bed," Father ordered. Sirius glanced at him and nodded.

"Yes, Father."

Sirius forced himself to walk up the stairs at a normal pace, but the second he made it to his bedroom, he locked the door and bolted for the bathroom attached to his room.

"Siri?" a voice called as he heaved into the toilet.

Regulus.

"Go away," he moaned, coughing in between his heaves.

"Are you alright?" Regulus ignored him. "Kreacher?" He called

"Please, go away," Sirius begged, as Kreacher appeared with a sharp _crack_. "I can't-"

Sirius didn't want Regulus of all people to see him like this, didn't want his baby brother to look at him. Would he know? Would he take a single look at Sirius and know what he had done? How he had killed that woman, and taken another life along with her? He prayed not. 

"I'm coming in," Regulus warned, before the bathroom door swung open, and Sirius miserably lifted his head to meet his brother's gaze.

Regulus gasped softly. He looked _awful_. Sirius' hair was disheveled and messy. When he had left, it had been pulled back into an elegant knot at the back of his head, but it had almost entirely fallen out of its confines. His robes were wrinkled and twisted in a way that had never been seen before. But perhaps the most startling thing was the tears that streaked Sirius' face, a testament to his misery.

Suddenly, hot and burning anger coursed through Regulus. How _dare_ their parents do this to him? How dare that stupid old man press his filthy mark into his older brother's arm? How dare his cousins allow this to happen? Regulus wanted to scream and shout and break things, but he couldn't.

Suddenly, Sirius shrank back and looked away, as if the silence had burned him, and it snapped Regulus out of his fury.

"Come on," he said gently. "Let's get you cleaned up." He lead Sirius to the sink and helped him rinse his mouth out. 

Kreacher had levitated Sirius to his bed, clearly deciding that he was not well enough to walk on his own while Regulus flushed the toilet and shut the bathroom door.

Sirius stared up at his younger brother, confusion plain on his face as the younger settled next to him on the bed. 

"Siri, what happened?" he whispered.

"Mother said she was proud of me," he answered dully. 

"And at the meeting?"

Sirius closed his eyes. "He liked me. Told me to spy on Dumbledore using Padfoot."

"What else? Something happened to make you react like this."

"Initiation happened," Sirius murmured. "There was a Muggle and- I had to use an Unforgivable. Lucius, Rodolphous, and Bellatrix had told me what they did with the ones given to them." Sirius shuddered, and Regulus frowned in concern. Normally, his older brother was a bit more stoic than this. Normally, he was able to hide his feelings better, so for his fear and disgust to show so plainly…

"Merlin above, Regulus, Bellatrix and Rodolphous tortured them into insanity, and then they were _fed_ to the Dark Lord's giant snake, _alive_ and. And I couldn't," Sirius' eyes snapped open, and he met Regulus' gaze, pleading with him to understand. "I couldn't let that poor woman- she was pregnant, Reg, I couldn't let her just… So I- I killed her." 

Tears poured from Sirius freely as sobs wracked his body and he shot up from his bed, pressing the heels of his hand into his eyes. "I cast the Killing Curse and I killed her, and her unborn baby. She had a ring on her finger. Her husband isn't going to know what _happened_ to her, or to their child, assuming he wasn't killed already. And- and _I_ did that!"

The sound of Sirius' sobbing got louder, " _And Mother said she was proud of me_ !" he wailed. "Do- do you know how badly I had wanted her to say that, before? And I've- and _she's proud of me_!"

Sirius was aware on some level that he was scaring Regulus, but he couldn't _help it_ . It was just- all so _fucked_. He expected to hear the door open and shut as Regulus left, for his brother to reject him. 

He did not expect Regulus to wrap his arms around him tightly, and to press his older brother's face into his neck, as if he were trying to have Sirius scent him. And maybe he was, because Regulus' scent flooded Sirius' nose. His brother smelled like fresh laundry and soap. A clean, comforting smell. Sirius groaned, relieved to have something in his nose other than the cloying scent of death and his own vomit. He inhaled deeply, and rubbed into his brother's neck.

"Kreacher?" Regulus called softly.

"Yes, Master Regulus?"

"Can you Apperate us to Heir James Fleamont Potter, at the Potter manor?" Sirius froze.

"Of course, Master Regulus."

"And don't inform Mother and Father we've left. If they come to check on us, let them think we're sleeping. And that's an order."

"Yes, Master Regulus," Kreacher croaked as he snapped his fingers.

There was a sharp tug at Sirius' navel, and he felt as if he was being compressed and then just as quickly as the sensation came, it was gone. He raised his head, and took in James' bedroom.

The room was large, about as big as Sirius' own room, but the walls were a pale creamy gold. The crown molding was accented in white and the floors and furniture were a matching deep brown wood. Various posters and pictures were hung on the walls. James' broom was propped in a corner near the door, and the stand for his owl Arthur was near his bed.

The room was bright, and lived in, and Sirius could feel the happiness that was in the house.

Not for the first time, envy licked at him. James was _loved_ and it was obvious that he was, even just by standing in his room.

As if summoned by the thought of his name, the door that must have led to the ensuite bathroom swung open and James was suddenly standing in his pajamas, looking at the Black brothers. His eyes drank in the sight of Sirius.

"Sirius," he breathed, stepping forward. And then he took another and another until he had crossed the room and threw his arms around them both.

It was an awkward hug- James was significantly taller than both the Black brothers, and Sirius was taller still than Regulus, but it was perhaps the most comforting feeling he had ever gotten. James pulled back some few moments later, and ran a hand through Sirius' hair.

"Come on. Let's go to sleep. We can talk in the morning," he said, ushering both the boys into his bed. Sirius collapsed onto the bed, clinging to Regulus while James settled in behind them.

Sirius woke up the next morning feeling groggy and drained, and he bolted upright when he opened his eyes and realized he was not in his room. His movement caused the occupants of the bed he was in the flail about, and it wasn't until James' head popped up to glare at him that he realized where he was.

"Merlin, do you always wake up like this?" James grumbled while Regulus shoved his face back into the pillow.

"Sorry," he mumbled sheepishly. "I just woke up and didn't recognize where I was." Sirius glanced at the clock on James' wall. It was just past 7 in the morning, which meant Mother would be waking up soon.

"Kreacher?" Sirius called hesitantly. There was a quiet _pop_ as Kreacher appeared.

"Kreacher is pleased to see Master Sirius is feeling better," he rasped with a bow.

Sirius gave him a small smile, aware of James' questioning gaze on him. "Thank you, Kreacher. Mother should be waking up soon. Will you tell her that I have taken Regulus out for the day? Tell her I've taken him to Wizarding Dublin. Do not tell her where we really are, and that's an order." This wasn't an uncommon occurrence; at least once a week, Sirius would take Regulus to one of the other Black properties, or out to Diagon Alley or even to Wizarding Dublin for the day.

"Yes, Master Sirius."

"Thank you, Kreacher. You may go now." There was a _crack_ and Kreacher was gone.

Silence ensued for a few moments, until James finally broke it, "What happened last night, Siri? Did it go wrong?"

Sirius barked out a hysterical laugh. "Go _wrong_? I wish. No. It went well. Too well," Sirius stared down at his hands, and although the Killing Curse didn't leave a trace, he could almost see the blood on his hands. "I killed a pregnant muggle and Voldemort told me to spy on Dumbledore and his war movement." There was no sound in Sirius' voice. It was detached and cold. 

"He came home last night, nearly catatonic. Stumbled into his room and went straight to the bathroom and threw up and then after, he got hysterical. I know a panic attack when I see one, so I-I brought him here. I would have taken him to Remus but…" Regulus trailed off as Sirius snorted.

"Merlin, Lily gives you one copy of a Muggle Psychology book with the RDC and suddenly you're a bloody expert," Sirius grinned fondly.

"Sirius, what happened?" James asked again. He knew Sirius too well; he was deflecting.

"Bellatrix warned me. Well. Bragged, more like, that the initiation process involved… using an Unforgivable on a muggle. She and her husband tortured theirs to insanity, and Lucius said he made his act like a dog. When they had all had their fun, they were fed alive to a snake. And- And when I saw her, she looked so much like Alice. And then, and then she looked at her stomach. She was pregnant, James. And the only thing I could think was that if I didn't kill her, she'd be eaten by a snake. And so- I killed her."

James made a move to speak, but Sirius cut him off, "And then I got home," Sirius clenched the sheets in between his fists. "Mother and Father were waiting up for me. I told them how it went, and Mother hugged me. Said she was _proud_ of me," he spat. "I stayed in that house for so long, hoping- praying, even, for her to say that to me. Like Uncle Alphard or Grandfather would wake up and tell her she's wrong. And she- only after-" Sirius broke off, staring resolutely at the mattress.

"I love you," James said. Sirius jerked his head up, staring at him wide eyed. 

"Did you hear _anything_ I just said, James? How could you even begin to think about saying that to me?" He demanded. 

"Because, Sirius Orion Black. You saw a woman and knew that she was about to suffer the worst kind of death, that she would have to face it while knowing she wasn't able to protect her _baby_ and you did the only thing you could think of to spare her in that circumstance. Because you love your brother so much, you refuse to leave him alone in an abusive house just so you can protect him. Because you went to Dumbledore and begged him to protect your goddaughter without thought for your own safety. Because you, despite everything that has been done to you and has yet to happen, are _good_ and _kind_ and _brave_ and _loyal_ and Sirius? I am _proud_ to be your best friend. I am _proud_ to call you my brother."

Regulus nodded, and carded his hands through Sirius' hair, but he thankfully remained silent, perhaps knowing that if he joined in that Sirius would start crying. As it was, his eyes were welling with tears and he stared at James, before another thought hit him.

"What will the others say? Merlin, what will Lily say? I have to tell her what happened, I couldn't lie to her like that. She's going to loathe me," he moaned, burying his face in his hands. 

"Nah, she won't."

Sirius glared at James. "How do you know?"

"Because she's _Lily Evans_ and she's totally awesome. Come on," he clapped Sirius on the shoulder and ruffled Regulus' hair. "Let's talk to them!" He went over to his desk and opened a drawer and pulled out a mirror, and spun back around, beaming triumphantly.

"James. I hate to tell you but that's our two way mirror. As in, it goes between your mirror and mine," Sirius said slowly. 

"Nah," James winked. "I did something cool. Remus helped me make a charm that would connect some mirrors, with a specific code word, so that way we didn't have to call out everyone's names. Did it to yours too, and got one for Regulus. Was gonna mail it to him, for his birthday next week but. Since you're here!" 

Regulus looked at him, puzzled. "You got me a present?"

"Uhm, yes?" James questioned. "Should I not have?" Regulus shook his head, eyes wide.

"Just. Wasn't expecting anything."

"Oh. Well, I can't say for certain but I think everyone got you something," James remarked as he climbed back into bed, sitting between Sirius and Regulus.

"Now then- _malum amicii_ !" James said clearly. There were several sharp grumbles and suddenly the mirror split into multiple sections, but what amazed Sirius the most was that the mirror _grew_ when each person returned the phrase, so that each person could be seen plainly- including the caller.

"James Potter, you _better_ have a good reason for calling us all so early or I'll-" Lily's tirade was broken off by Remus.

"Sirius," he breathed. "Why are you with James?"

"Side effect from last night." Even though James had reassured him it all would be fine, he was still uneasy. What if they rejected him?

Severus furrowed his eyebrows. "What does that mean, Black?"

And so slowly, haltingly, Sirius told the story again starting from what his cousins had told him and ending with Regulus getting Kreacher to bring him to Potter Manor. Silence followed for a few seconds before Lily broke it.

"Are you alright?" Sirius frowned at her.

"I thought you would have been angry," he admitted.

"Sirius, we're at war. You're in the middle of it. I accepted a long time ago that you may do things you'd have moral qualms with but, Sirius. You did that woman a favor. So now I'm asking: are you alright?"

Sirius looked at his friends concerned and sympathetic faces. "Not yet. But I will be, I think."

~*~

Sirius groaned as he flopped down on his bed in the Gryffindor dorms. Years had passed since he had taken the Dark Mark, and he was now in his final year of Hogwarts, days away from graduating. In the time that had passed, he had proved himself a valuable spy for the Order of the Phoenix, and it was because of his information that the Order was able to strike back as well as they did. Various witches and wizards were saved. And yet, somehow, throughout it all, Voldemort never suspected a spy was in their ranks. Instead, he welcomed Sirius into his inner circle when he had given Voldemort information about a move that the Order was planning. Granted, Dumbledore had ordered him to tell Voldemort about the plan to try and funnel the Minister of Magic to safety, but the fallout had still been heavy. Still, Voldemort had been pleased enough with the chance to duel and severely wound Dumbledore that Voldemort overlooked the losses the Death Eaters had taken.

Sirius had never more like he walked on a tightrope than he had while playing a spy. Suddenly, the academic term became Sirius' favorite thing, because he was unable to do anything for either side. 

He could just be.

Sometimes, though, Sirius caught Remus staring at him, looking at him the way James looked at Lily and that scared Sirius. James and Lily were engaged, the couple to end all couples. Sirius wanted to tell Remus he was no good; that Remus was kind and smart and funny and had no business wanting Sirius like that, not when Sirius was… well… what he was. Remus deserved better.

Some selfish part of him, though, longed to tell Remus he turned those longing stares when the other wasn't looking. 

But the realistic part of Sirius knew it wouldn't work; Sirius was in too deep with his work. It was too dangerous for them to get close.

Sirius was drawn out of his thoughts by the door opening. He didn't need to lift his head to check who it was; Remus' scent filled his nose immediately.

"Hey, Rem," he murmured.

"Sirius, can we talk?" Sirius sat up, frowning. The taller boy sounded so intense, so serious and dread pooled in his gut.

"Is something wrong?" 

"No, not exactly. There's just a few things I need to tell you."

"Well, come sit down then," he said, waving him over to his bed and Remus sat down, crossing his legs.

"Dumbledore asked me something. You mentioned seeing Fenrir Greyback at a meeting once. Fenrir is… a controversial figure but he's also something of a figurehead amongst many werewolf packs, in a messed up way," Remus admitted. "Werewolves don't want to hide- we aren't _dangerous_ unless it's the full moon, but the Ministry can't admit they were wrong about us so they heavily regulate the Wolfsbane potion to the point that it's nearly impossible to access. Greyback is therefore kind of influential among werewolf packs, for being so visible, even if we disagree with his actions." 

Remus shifted, clearly uncomfortable. "Dumbledore asked me to join a werewolf pack, and update him on the movements of the packs nearby. He also wants me to try and convince them to not side with Voldemort."

Sirius froze, processing this information. "When do you leave?" he asked finally.

"Just after James and Lily's wedding." Remus' voice was soft, apologetic. 

"But- but they get married Saturday!" Sirius protested. "How soon after? Sunday? When was this decided?" He felt like the world was crumbling out from under his feet. Remus would be so far away, and updates would be few and far between.

Remus shook his head. "It's only been a solid plan for a few days; the pack leader had to accept me first. I leave a few hours after the wedding. The pack leader will be coming personally to escort me."

Sirius felt his face drain of blood and he clenched his teeth, trying to steel himself. It was war. Remus was needed. "Do the others know?"

"I wanted to tell you first. I knew you'd understand."

Embarrassingly, Sirius' vision blurred with tears. Knowing that Remus trusted him so much to tell him first about his mission touched him.

"Thank you for telling me," Sirius said as he reached out to grab Remus' wrist so he could rub their wrists together to scent him casually. A show of trust like that almost demanded Sirius scent him, to show Remus that he truly wasn't upset with the other, despite how distressed he was sure to smell.

It seemed like Remus was waiting for the action, because as soon as his wrist made contact with Sirius', tension drained from his body. 

"There's something else I wanted to tell you." Sirius hummed, and looked up at Remus. He looked strangely intense, his eyes focused on Sirius who had to fight back the dog-like instinct to drop his gaze. "I really like you, Sirius," and the mentioned teen froze. "Actually, I think it'd be more accurate to say I'm in love with you."

"Remus, I…" Sirius choked before trailing off. Remus' eyes softened.

"You don't have to say anything. It's okay if you don't return my affections," he soothed and Sirius felt his heart twist with a wave of adoration.

"It's not that, Remus, it's just… I'm not good. I've killed someone, Remus. Not to mention you're going undercover soon. I'm in too deep, and it just- it'd be dangerous, Rem."

An aborted growl left Remus' throat and Sirius startled. "We'll be talking about that first statement later. But I understand the rest of your concerns. We don't have to start anything right now, Siri. I just… I couldn't leave without letting you know."

Sirius nodded, and he laid down again, tugging Remus with him. The others could wait. Sirius wanted to be close with Remus one more time.

~*~

They all went home on a Friday, which Sirius was thankful for because it meant he would miss the meeting for that week. The group had been told about Remus' departure the morning after Sirius had been told. The few days time to process that tomorrow would be the last day any of them would see Remus for a while wasn't enough.

Severus was sitting next to Remus, murmuring quietly to him about potions he could brew for Remus to help keep him safe among the pack, and Regulus was on the floor while Remus played with his hair. James and Peter were talking quietly to each other, discussing their next Order mission. Lily was next to him, her head resting on Sirius' shoulder.

"He'll be okay, you know," Lily murmured softly, reaching out to grab Sirius' hand. Sirius grunted at her, his eyes never straying from the taller boy. "I mean it, Siri. He's a good dueller, he's good at creating spells and Charms. He'll be able to protect himself if need be." Sirius threw her a grateful glance and squeezed her hand.

"Are you excited for tomorrow?" he asked her. Lily's gaze lit up and she threw a glance at James.

"I am," she confirmed. "I've loved him for a while. It just feels right, you know?" Sirius nodded.

"Are your family excited?"

Lily's face twisted as she answered, "Mum and Dad are. My sister didn't want to come. She doesn't like magic and when she found out the majority of the guests would be like us…" she trailed off and was silent for a few moments before sighing. "I used to hope she'd come around, but she never has."

Sirius turned to look at her, and Lily looked so dejected, her eyes far away and misty. "We were so close when we were kids, you know? But then when I got my letter… She thought I was a freak. I thought she was jealous and would grow out of it, but… she never did. I used to hope she would come around, but she didn't even make me a bridesmaid when she got married a few years ago."

Sirius felt an ugly feeling twist in his gut. Lily was so _wonderful_. She was unfailingly kind, and welcoming. Her smiles lit up any room she was in and she always seemed to find everything beautiful, even the ugly thing Sirius had become. Lily deserved the world and more, and he was angry with this sister he'd never met for hurting Lily in the way that she had.

"Is she coming?"

"Oh, she'd never give the neighbors reason to gossip if she could help it, so she and Vernon are both coming. I doubt she'll stay long, though. I doubt she'll make it to dinner," she sighed, and her gaze sought out Regulus. "You know, I'm jealous of you, Sirius," she commented. "It's so clear how much you and Regulus adore each other. I wish I had that."

Sirius ogled her, eyes wide. "Do you not know?" Lily turned to him with a confused hum. "Lils, you know we both consider you our sister, right? You _do_ have that." 

Her eyes welled with tears and she pulled Sirius into a hug, chanting something over and over into his neck. Sirius strained his ears to make it out. _I love you_.

Lord Fleamont Potter had been clever when he invited Sirius and Regulus to James and Lily's wedding. He had personally, cordially, invited the Heir and Heir Apparent to the wedding. And Walburga Black had been unable to refuse the Lord of the House without insulting the entire House, including Dorea Potter, neè Black, who was directly related to Walburga, Orion, and their sons. 

Sirius was relieved, because he had been named best man, while Regulus was a groomsman alongside Remus, Peter and Frank Longbottom. Sneaking out in that case would have been awkward.

As it was, Sirius stood in James' bedroom as he donned his clothes, a kurta pyjama. They were traditional Indian clothes that James' family had especially designed for the wedding. The cotton was soft, and dyed a stunning steel gray color, while the top was an orange with stunning intricate patterns swirling everywhere. Mrs. Potter had also done beautiful, yet simple, henna on all of them. 

The others were similarly dressed, wearing matching colors, and as Sirius looked at his friends, he thought they'd never looked better.

Lily wore a traditional saree. It was a beautiful red color, threaded with a beautiful gold. Her hair was pulled into a complicated knot at the nape of her neck and Mrs. Potter had decorated her with henna, just as she had with the boys. James was dressed in a kurta pyjama just as his friends were, but his was a matching red and gold to Lily's saree, with a white tunic with gold detailing and red pants.

The wedding was beautiful. Lily couldn't stop smiling the entire time, and James' face would surely hurt the next day from how much he smiled as well. 

After the ceremony itself came the reception, wherein a horse faced woman and giant walrus looking man quietly left. Sirius guessed they must have been Petunia and Vernon, and a quick glance at Lily confirmed it. Sirius was about to go confront them when-

"Would you like to dance?" Remus stood in front of him, blocking Lily's family from his sight. Sirius looked up at him and nodded, smiling at him. They settled into a waltz, twirling past Lily and James, both of whom winked at the pair. Sirius felt his face flush, but Remus just laughed.

Underneath the stars, looking at Remus in his kurta pyjama while he laughed with his eyes crinkling at the corners, looking far less stressed and happier than he'd seemed in a while, Sirius didn't think he'd ever seen anyone look more beautiful.

He was almost able to forget that it was the last time he'd see the other for a while.

Almost.

~*~

The following morning was… tense. Both brothers had come down for breakfast to see only their mother seated at the table. She smiled at them and a current of fear ran down Sirius' spine.

"Good morning, Mother," Sirius greeted her with a bow of his head, taking his traditional spot at the table. Regulus followed suit and their breakfasts appeared on their plates.

"Sirius, the Dark Lord trusts you very much, correct?" Sirius fought the urge to stiffen, his heart rate skyrocketing.

"I wouldn't say I am his most valued nor his most trusted, but the Dark Lord does grant me certain privileges in reward for the information I provide him." 

A beaming proud smile graced his mother's features. "Do you think then, that he would welcome Regulus?"

Sirius' grip on his utensils tightened, and he fought to control his breathing. He would _not_ allow Regulus anywhere _near_ that forsaken place. "He might, Mother. May I ask why?"

Walburga tutted, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I wish for your brother to join, of course!"

"Mother with all due respect, I cannot join the Dark Lord and his most noble cause," Regulus was always willing to go along with what their mother said. He was the better actor; while he hadn't believed the Pureblood mania their family spouted since he was a small child, he knew how to play their mother like a fiddle. The fact that he was protesting shocked Sirius, and clearly their mother.

"And why ever not, darling? You've seen how well Sirius has done these past years!"

"I don't believe it to be the most advantageous position. If I were to join, all of this generation would be Death Eaters, and the Ministry is trying to arrest those openly in the Dark Lord's ranks. While I have no doubt we could get Cousins Bellatrix, Rodolphous, and Lucius, along with Sirius out, I fear it may reflect poorly upon our Noble House if all of us save Narcissa were in Azkaban."

Their mother hummed, considering what Regulus told her, before she nodded sharply. "Very well, you are correct. My smart boy," she cooed at him, and Sirius stiffened, almost knowing what would happen next. "Unlike your brother!" She threw him a glare. "You are the eldest, the Heir, are you not? You should have considered that, you idiot boy! Are you not looking out for your family's best interests?" she demanded.

"I apologize, Mother, I should have considered Regulus' point," he said as he bowed his head, eyes trained on the table.

"Go to your room," she sneered. "Out of my sight before I _crucio_ you! Go!"

Sirius hastened to obey, longing for Friday so that way he could escape his mother, even if only for a bit.

Friday came, granting Sirius his wish. Ever since the incident with his mother, she had been increasingly short tempered. Normally Father was there to try and curb some of her anger, but lately he was nowhere to be found. Sirius wondered idly if his father had gotten lost in another pub, or if one of his mistresses had finally killed him. Perhaps both. 

"Mother, Regulus, I must be leaving now," he called out as he hurried to the Apperation point in the front hall. 

Regulus came bounding down the stairs and engulfed him in a hug, "Be safe," he whispered softly.

Sirius squeezed him tight, pressing a soft kiss into his brother's hair. "Always am. Don't wait up," he ordered. "You need your sleep."

Regulus pulled away and eyed his older brother. "I make no promises." Sirius sighed, nodding, knowing it was the best answer he would get. Regulus worried so much whenever Sirius was away. 

With a sharp _crack_ Regulus vanished from Sirius' view and Yaxley's house appeared. He knocked once, then waited for a brief moment, before knocking twice more. The door swung open, to reveal Yaxley himself standing there. He looked relieved, which worried Sirius. He wasn't essential to meetings, so why look so relieved he'd shown up?

"Ah, Heir Black. The Dark Lord is waiting for you. He has an urgent matter to speak to you about before the meeting starts."

Sirius felt his blood run cold and he retreated into his mental shields. "I see. Where is the Dark Lord?" 

"In the meeting room," Sirius was ushered into the house and up the stairs and even with Sirius' occulumency, he could still feel the mental power the Dark Lord possessed and he used that to find his way. Much like he had upon arrival, he knocked once then waited a brief moment before knocking two more times.

"Enter," the Dark Lord's voice demanded. Sirius obeyed, and fell to his knees in a bow when he was in front of him. "Rise."

"Yaxley informed me you wished to see me, my Lord?" he inquired.

"I have a mission for you. You have a House Elf, do you not?"

"Indeed I do, my Lord. Kreacher." Voldemort nodded, slowly.

"Excellent. Tomorrow, you will both accompany me. I have a job for you and your Elf."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> those of you who read my other fic will know i've gone on something of a hiatus; this chapter was already written, i just wanted to get it out there.


	5. life update

hey guys! i didnt wanna leave yall wondering where an update is so here is a life update and an explanation.

originally, i took a hiatus from writing because i was getting ready to go back to school to finish up my degree, but then my mother and older brother both got COVID. my dad hasn't been able to leave the house to go to work, so he's working from home but because he's working from home, this means im now the primary provider for my family in terms of meals, groceries and taking care of my family while my mother and older brother are sick.

i AM planning on finishing this story, once things settle down and my mother recovers. i have the plot outline finish and a rough draft for the story written; it just needs to be fleshed out and beta'd and it'll be good to go. 

thank you guys for your patience and understanding! i hope you're all staying healthy and safe!


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